First Impression NIT Hamirpur

It's been more than a week here now, and it's the first time since the last eleven days that I'm taking a breathe of relief. Literally PHEWW!
(I'll explain this part later, promise)
It was Tuesday morning when I set my foot on the campus and trust me when I say about the number of times I had second thought about the institution.
On my way here, as the bus proceeded towards the institute through the creaky mountain streets with mostly dense forest all around and sharp turns, the place looked dilapidated with nothing but just a couple of temporary shops and houses whose distance were surely kilometers apart. The more the bus ascended towards the mountains and the more of it I saw, I was filled with a strange fear. This scenario didn't match with the expectation of the college area I had in my mind. It was gonna be five years after all.
Yes! Mountains and trees are sure a beautiful thing but when you're to spend five years in a place with a dilapidated road with a space to pass just one vehicle at a time, yes, you too will start to have second thoughts about the place.
There was no turning back now I had already registered for the online procedure and had paid the non-refundable college amount for the first year.
I diverted my mind from the thought of the college and started enjoying the view of the mountains instead.  The condition of the road was pathetic but then again you can't expect a super highway in between the mountains.
Fortunately I didn't throw up more than once. I reached Hamirpur bus stand, Himachal Pradesh, supposedly the closest bus stand to my college at around 6 in the morning. No wonder it was a small bus stand with a couple of shops and a few small hotels to stay. There was so less people around.
There was a bus screaming NIT Hamirpur at a near distance. I with my brother and our little luggage hopped in. In less than 5 minutes we were near the campus gate. There was a small tea stall there, and on the opposite side of the road a shoulder height boundary wall with a small opening without any gate. That was the NIT Hamirpur, Gate No - 02. A small opening between the short boundary wall without any actual gate, guards, or check point. My heart beats grew faster. I was strangled in the middle of a nowhere. That's a NIT Campus. Really! 
We crossed the road and stepped in. There was a couple of marbled stairs that descended downwards and when you set your foot on  them the first thing that catch your eyes are the marble engraving boring the statement "In the loving memory of Ashok Mehta, Civil Engg. 2004-2006", second step, "Naman Pathak, CS, 2009-11, You'll Be Remembered.", third step, Shubham Behl, M.arch, 2013, You're Still With Us" and so on.
I stood there blank. I looked at my brother, he stared back at me. I didn't say anything, he didn't either.
Then I raised my gaze. In front was something that left both of us jaw dropped. A beautiful building with a green sloppy roof stood there. As we moved our eyes there were more of them. One two three four... You couldn't count them. The view was blocked by a couple of trees. There stood a whole fortress midst this mountain. A Nescafe Shop (the first coffee shop I had seen in the area). A fine restaurant. A bank. An ATM. Movie posters, A stationary shop, A confectionary shop. And classy cars and motor bikes moving around the campus. It was for the first time that day that I realized that I was inside a NIT Campus. It was a whole different world across the shoulder height wall. It was type of a small town in here with all basic necessities inside the campus itself. Why, yes, it was 320 Acres campus. Hard to imagine in between the mountains and place of such type.
The roads inside ran criss cross with lot of ups and downs, trees and buildings were in a such a fashion that the entire area looked planned unlike the mess outside the campus. The buildings had roofs shaped like inverted V placed in a line and painted green. The gardens around the blocks had colourful flowers that added to the aesthetic beauty of the place. I didn't have much trouble finding the admission department. After completing all the formalities I was handed the hostel keys. Kailash Boys Hostel, room number E-109. I headed for the hostel, yet another moment of surprise. It was magnanimous. They say they'd around 6-8 more of them for the other year students of different faculty. This one was exclusively meant for the first year students. It was triple sharing room, that's the only type of room they provide with. My room was dusty, the other two roomies hadn't  come yet. I kept my belongings in the room and went out to get myself a blanket and pillows (Yes, that's available inside the campus itself). I helped myself to a few other things. I made myself comfortable to the room and settled properly in the next few hours. And had a looooooooooooong sleep. Real long.

The Dawn of Realisation

I was in the middle of a nowhere, totally drained up. Hunger was slowly consuming my intestines. I was dying of thirst. I looked around for traces of life but hopes were nowhere to be seen. I was tired of the situation my life had put me into. I was tired of the same monotonous routine of jumping, running, walking, and crawling, to reach somewhere which was no where to be found. Somewhere even I was clueless of, and the crawl seemed never to end, until I had no more power to carry on with. I was drained up. 'This moment will pass', I have reminded myself for the past few years I have been here but now my mind was too hazy to think of it anymore. Suddenly nothing of this meant anything to me, I accepted my fate, and fell on my knees of not having any energy to walk further more. No more exploration. No more searching. No more walk. It was a moment of peace. I felt a heavy weight uplift my body as my urge end. I had my answers, and accepted the truth with a cold heart. It was cruel, yet beautiful. Like a mother's rebuke. A beautiful girl's smile. A heavy shower, the sunshine, the rainbow.
In the final moment of realisation, nothing in the world could make more sense than the simple little truth of life. You are born, and then you die. Its just the little time in between that you try to make worthwhile. Some by searching for their own peace, others by finding their peace in someone else, and the third kind of people the noblest of all who believe in spreading peace among everyone. The selfless ones.
I knew where I stood, and it wasn't difficult for me to deal with the fact that all my life I've been looking for peace for my own self. Unconcerned about the world, its plight, and sufferings. The misery and selfishness. I've had enough of the repent. Just as I was about to close my eyes I shook off my head and looked around. You didn't think it would end so easily, did you?
My search was suddenly shining in a distant desert land it was only a matter of few minutes when I found out its just the sun but that doesn't ends here too. It is just a few more steps now. I see it again, and another disappointment. My hopes were like a mirage. Needless to say, unattainable.

Bargaining With God

Of everything I've put my mind into, my family has never been a part of it. I consider it normal, there's nothing much in to think about. Two working parents two kids and a fine little home. Nothing could ever go wrong. Everything was stable and dependable — until one March day.

It was Thursday morning, and I was busy preparing for my boards exam which was scheduled to begin the next day. My door was shut. Suddenly, I could hear the maid running up the stairs screaming my name. I came out of the room in frustration, expecting some silly reason. It might have been the tears in her eyes or her terrified look, but I knew something was really wrong. Soon, I was downstairs with my family, each with our own tears and terrified looks. My mother was in the basement, seated in a chair, her shoulder being supported by my aunt. She could hardly talk; only murmurs came from her mouth. Her eyes were squinted, and she was breathing heavily.

My dad sent me outside to "wait for the ambulance." I wasn't in any state to argue. In the two or three minutes it took for the medics to get there, my whole life changed. What was happening? What would I do without my mom? Why her? Why me? Why hadn't I told her I loved her more often?

I could hear the sirens in the distance. They sounded light-years away.

When help finally arrived, I ran and begged them to hurry. The medics quickly went to my mother and, after a quick examination, put her in the ambulance and rushed her to the hospital.

Few minutes later dad with some other members followed them to the hospital. I had my exam the following day so I wasn't allowed to join them and was kept under the hospitality of my aunt.

Minutes passed like years, I could neither study nor sleep, I didn't sleep for a second that night thinking of what she must be going through. It was 6 in the morning, and she hadn't gained her consciousness yet. I somehow put on my uniform and gulped a bread and left for school. The sound of an ambulance was still buzzing in my brain and wondering about my mom's innocent face would break me down into tears every other second. My world was crumbling, I was totally helpless sitting in the corner of a room and having everyone stare at me while waiting for the exam to start. I was writing my maths paper but my mind was flooded with thoughts about my mom of all the times I've been rude to her, of all the times I didn't listen to her and of all the times I've done things against her wish. I regretted doing every tiny thing I wasn't expected to do and not being able to do things I was expected to do. I vowed not to take her for granted again. I badly wished I get one more chance. I wanted my crumbling world to be normal again. On the eleventh night dad called me to say they'll be back the next day. I burst into tears— at last—happy tears. My prayers had been answered. She had recovered from her breakdown.

Since then, I realized that nothing is ever certain. Now when my parents say something, I listen. I don't let the faith they have in me go in vain. I respect them and learning to be a responsible child.

I have come to believe firmly that you don't realize what you have until it is almost taken away.

--

Inspired from Chicken Soup For The Soul

Based on my true life-event.

The Kiss of Life

If there was one last word in the world, I wouldn't want to hear before going to bed on the night of 20th October '13, that would have been a "No".

Her highness was kind enough to add a break between adverb, and the negative— Frankly, no!
My thumbs trembled as I pressed them against the keyboard of my phone while typing the reply.

"Okay, thanks"

That is all I said. A hole had been punched right through my heart, and that's when I could feel my whole world crumpling in the dim glow of the tiny phone screen.

"Oh for heaven's sake, sleep! It's almost midnight!", an infuriated voice sourcing from the tall, sharp figure standing right next to the door.
"Good night mom", I whispered and kept aside my phone. I knew I wasn't going to have a good night anyway.

I had closed my eyes for just a minute or two now when suddenly the door bell rang. I'm not sure if it was because I was expecting someone, but out of my instinct I rushed to the door before any other member in the house could attend it. I led the stranger lady inside, and offered her to get comfortable on the sofa lined geometrically by the guest room.
Thinking it would be rude to leave the guest alone in the room, I took a seat beside her. The fact that the newly arrived guest was fairly my age, I felt a little awkward too for not being able to lift up my face to catch a glimpse of her.

I drifted my mind from the stranger, and instantly got lost thinking about the chat conversation I had half an hour ago with the girl I was so in love with.
She denied that she had any feelings for me anymore.
"Frankly, no!"
Not even in my wildest dream did I picture living a day hearing that she doesn't love me anymore. I could never imagine that. Not until that day.
How could that be? Where did I go wrong? Where was it? Where?
I was least bothered about how I was going to do without her, and more concerned about where did I go wrong! I was in my mind palace once again searching every corner, trying to find any hidden clues that could answer that one question. I felt helpless. Tormented.

"You okay?" sounded the stranger.

"Yeah!" I murmured without looking.

"It's not worth it.. Don't c.."

And with that, my head still bowed down, I felt something moving close to my face. At first I panicked, but slowly closed my eyes on feeling a gentle touch on my forehead. It was her lips.

All my worries popped out like a pin prick in an air bubble, I felt lighter as the intense mind fog temporarily evaporated. Nothing in the world could be more comforting than that feathery touch, I felt peace. I forgot everything. Not a shred of evidence from the last chat conversation. It was peace all over.
I gently opened my eyes to familiarize with the figure, but it was morning.
I've been hallucinating whole night.

P.S- The above is a true account based on my 20th night, last October.

The 47 Minutes Wait of My Life

March 4th '12
1208 Hours

I can hear steps. There's a movement outside the door, but I'm shut in. As I watch the ray of light penetrating through the tiny crack of the closed window into my dark room, I lay restless on my bed.
It's midnight and I'm cold, eyes wide awake and thoughts still lingering among the series of events that happened all day.

The vehement thump of my heartbeats did not come with an ease until her final reply.
There was something about the situation, however, I tried I could not get my minds off it. I know I will never forget those 47 minutes of my life. A wait worthy of its purpose what we all long for.
A gesture, a whisper of commitment, a prodigy of a lifetime.

I had known her for seven and a half months now. 3 poems, 108 days of diary entries, and the occasional Goosebumps on hearing her name— Richa —under her smile was the daintiest thing on this planet.
With the face of the most beautiful of a girl, in my eyes, she predominated the whole of her sex.

'Ignorance is a bliss'? No! You can't keep yourself from loving, once you know her. You simply cannot.
She was a flawless creation, a man could die to have, and yet I was uncertain on the evening of 4th March when I said that I liked her. I did like her, but the confrontation was not meant to be this soon. I thought I was not ready, although a part of me never felt more alive to open up, in spite of the odds.

It was so overwhelming, those 47 minutes, that nothing of the world made any sense. It was her, and her all over. That moment, even Subham could pop up in front of me to shake, and scream YOLO, and yet I wouldn't bother drifting my mind from her. Yes, it was this intense. I was lifeless as a Buddhist unconcerned about the worldly affairs sunk in his devotion to its deity—concentrating.
Only when my concentration was disturbed by the smiley face in her message. She seemed totally comfortable with the fact that I liked her. Better off, we were still friends. As my life restored back to normal I felt a chill down my spines.
The wait was finally over!

Reminiscence

So you're one of those love buds, with a broken heart?
And the age old convention "relax, calm down, everything will be alright."
No, that's not his point because having patience is too mainstream. And then he'd be laughed at by the so called in-love fellow. "You don't understand, you never will, until you're yourself in it by all means".
Oh yeah? Is it that vulnerable? Like what? Running down into a mud puddle? Scrapping down your knee? Waking up in the morning to finding you're out of cereals? Well, right now, that is all worse, he can think about him being in.
"You'll realize my friend, you'll realize soon enough"
And he'd simply laugh, considering the conversation over with another one of such kind, so-called madly in love with their Sweethearts type.

Here's this guy completely untamed untouched by its existence. Love for him is a mere delusion, a non-existent reality, an evident lie. Provide him with the most logical of reasoning in favor and yet he will outsmart you with his wits. Involve yourself in an argument and my friend, he will bring you down to a point when you stop to think and forget to start again. In this Noble world of literates and mature, he is considered a heartless rebel. A maniac. A congenital hypocrite, "emotionally incapable of falling in love". Do you think he enjoys the glory of solitude? Speaking of hate turns him on? No.. No!
He wasn't stabbed by a green-eyed fairy at the Easter's Ball nor did he let his heart slip into the hands of the bloody witch in some enchanted ferry. The winged angel didn't betray him out of his slumber.
In fact, if anything, the shield of his undeniable logic didn't let the Cupid breach his heart. Though that Winged little Demon has had many unsuccessful attempts to break down his glory of singularity. Yes! He had a couple of faint crushes. Pity, love to him was still gross.
The Rubik of his life just in the place, perfectly. Yet to uncover its complications, suspense, mystery, stability and where it was about to fold the next moment.
"Oh, I'd tear up the pieces and put them back into place to bring about the desired perfection, just in case", he'd cleverly remark.
The only thing that worried him was the fear of loosing his Pokemon cards and collecting all set of Power Ranger toys before the neighbor's kid gets his hands on them. Why, yes! He was still Twelve. His overflowing bucket of logic and philosophy was about to splash on the floor with a big thud when one day he experienced a tingly feeling in his stomach.
Butterflies perhaps. The next day and for the next three years in an attempt to catch sight of her.
Neither a friend nor a foe, not a soul knew about it. He didn't intend to discuss about her either, he believed that it would crush down the glory of his pride and dignity. A young man with an unparalleled raging aura of attitude. I am not sure if it was his narrow mindedness of holding back his feelings or farsightedness, which is quite irrelevant from a boy of his age. Whatever it may be this fine lad knew what he was doing until one day someone whispered about her being on the social network. That was the first time he signed up for Gmail, to join Orkut and still today feel stupid with the numbers in his Email Id which matched to her class roll, and the next big thing was "Your crush accepted your friend request". He was on cloud nine.

Is this the feeling they told he'd never experience? Is this the moment they told he'd never feel? All those butterflies in his stomach, does that deprives him from being a 'Heartless Rebel'?
You keep saying that because he's way past falling. He's just another clueless kid from the colony streets startled as the Lovelace corner of his heart unveils to a whole new phase. A desperate seeker of what's next, he had suddenly lost all his patience. A tiny dose of warm excitement lingers as he explains his best friend. 
"Hard to impress with that sticky hairstyle of yours!". Exclaims his best friend with utter amazement.
"I don't care." He ends with a bitter remark which wasn't a surprising statement from him and his friend knew.
That evening, fiddling with his hair brush and gel he was sunk in a gloomy despair. Finding himself conflicting with thoughts, there was a slight shift in his opinion, his entire philosophy of individuality.
He struggled through the dilemma and somehow convinced himself to the fact that it was just a fatal attraction a mere infatuation.
For the past three years all he has been doing is trying to catch sight of her, all that mattered was having a glimpse of her face just for once in a day. Not a thread of clue to one single soul. 
Now that she is in my friend-list everything seems to be in a fast forward motion, there was a sudden realization.
His friend knew and that they discussed about her. The entire idea of this discussion terrified him. That was for the first time he doubted on his loyalty wondering whether or not it will remain a secret or the entire class will get to know about it. He was unable to bear all that terror at once. A free spirit, haunted by the feeling of fear is probably one of the worst things on the planet.

And suddenly the computer screen popped. Jinkies! She was online.
It didn't take him a second to stop and think how to start the conversation for the very first time. His hands went on mechanically.

"Hey.."

A spark of hope dawned upon him, a hope that erased all his fear a hope that removed all his confusion. All his lifelong philosophy on individuality attitude and pride were suddenly covered in thick gray mist. The world for him had paused and for a moment his head to toe were glued to those three words

Aiman is typing...

"Wat dream u r dreaming. huh. dat u r nt sure dat u vl reach it." 
Her first response, referring to his status: I can almost see it,
That dream I'm dreaming 
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it" (quoted from the song 'The Climb' by Miley Cyrus)
He kept aside his coffee mug and had counted three periods already.
A language lover like him was definitely distressed at her style of writing. He was highly provoked to comment on her misspelled words, its poor selection and awfully framed sentence. He knew by doing that he would leave the impression of making her feel awkward, so holding himself back he thought of a response to serve.
His sheer excitement had come to a calm. Finding his way back through the dense mist grabbing his attitude once again, he replied. 

"It's a secret."

The conversation ends.
No, it didn't turn him off. He was determined to keep the conversation going in case they meet online again.
A week passed and one day he was quite amused by an idea which came into his mind. His best friend Subham who seemed more excited about that chat, his first ever chat conversation with a girl, screamed at the idea "No! Are you out of your mind? Don't even think about it".  
He was all ears. But that moment strength of the mighty Chuck Norris had up surged into him. By the time he realized the pen of Shakespeare was going to land him in trouble the mail was sent already. Five minutes later, another mail signed as him, leaves his account which reads exactly as quoted below. 

"Hey.. The last mail which you received that said you're my crush was actually to be sent to Miley Cyrus. There was a slight technical error in sending. 
Apologies for the inconvenience. "

I still don't know how or what got into his mind on the 9th of May, 2009 but it was going to change his life forever. He didn't mention about that mail to anyone, anyone but her of course. His first crush, talking to her for the first time, it's the first week of their friendship and first he sends her an e-mail saying she was a crush and five minutes later stating about the technical error (that too, Miley Cyrus). You could imagine the level of insanity.

There is no limit to a man's stupidity when he falls in love with a woman. 
Something like this was definitely stupid, though I'm not sure about the latter part. Whether or not he was in love came to light soon when he got a virtual slap in his face. She had removed him from her friend list the very next day without any response. A straightaway solid insult. He couldn't stand the sight of it. "BITCH!", his lips pronounced. What bothered him was not that she removed him from her list, but she removed without a note. She had pinched his pride (which he had already lost after sending those two ridiculously stupid e-mails.) The dark gray mist over his attitude, pride and individuality suddenly faded to a grim realization exposing those traits to the fullest. He wasn't one of those to mourn and weep over a broken heart, in fact, if anything he knew he didn't get his heart broken. Obviously, if his heart was broken, he'd be dead.
Lifelong crush wasted in vain. He didn't have to put any effort to stop catching sight of her anymore, his self-esteem did that part. The butterflies starved to death turn by turn. He was no more provoked by her thoughts. His old theories and philosophies started taking more of his mind, he was once again flushed with the idea of singularity and the disgrace of fatal attractions which was good for nothing. A year passed. Six months of his time in BMS remained when an another girl caught his eye. He had no intention whatsoever of being in a relation or letting this girl know about her being a crush. He had no control over his heart, nor he had any probable reasons to control his feelings though he knew he wasn't going to repeat the same mistake anyway. He wouldn't even grace getting acquainted with her name knowing she was a junior but his best friend Subham did the noble cause. "Harshita", he whispered in his ears. 

By this time he was fortunately embraced by the thought that it was natural. That no matter how hard he tries, he couldn't help his heart slip over someone on whom it's meant to be. Someone who is going to be worth it. He just knew that someone wasn't her or whatsoever the crush barely lasted for a month or two anyway. 

That's my unfinished story till the time I was here at BMS.

A story always has the usual good-vs-evil plot, but mines totally different. It is a true story, based on me, a nobody. And to be honest, I like the fact that I view my life as a novel. To me life is as always an adventure, a different environment from yesterday that promises nothing but more hope and dreams for tomorrow, while tears starts just as today begins. Well, that's what other day is to me, a day where almost all hopes and dreams of yesterday gets shattered into pieces today.
It all became more and more clear these days. A bad omen maybe?
So I had this thought in mind when I was officially enrolled in a MAPS register. 
Amidst the series of emotions, the chain of thoughts and the excitement about the first day a part of my mind was also inclined to one particular thing. There was a voice whispering in my head constantly reminding me about the thought that I was going to find someone today, someone who is going to mean something to me.
My idea of a Miss Perfect. Yes, I've to admit I definitely had this thought in mind. Initially I'd only hoped that I'll find someone, but the moment I entered the classroom this fine lady caught my eye. All motion ceased, the world came to a halt. For once I could hear the pace of my heartbeats racing amongst the deadly silence. My gaze was glued to her dark shimmering eyes, I felt ecstatic. She was drop-dead gorgeous and an astounding personality like one of those French girls in a Glamour magazine.
Her sex appeal was off the scale. Her dimples out numbered the butterflies in my stomach. A rush of adrenaline ran all over my body as I was checking on her. She was busy in conversation with another girl, a technically ill-fated incapable of arousing interest type girl. Oh what a disgrace! I'm not a racist, but I did hold grudges for the other one.
You never know where life puts you into, the next moment with its strange twists and turns. Earlier this day I fell in love with the lady on the bus and now her. Damn! I fall in love with every other girl I see. Well played God, well played. 
Keep aside, you don't have the outgoing guts to approach her and ask for her name. I knew even if it was my last day at the school as an oldie I wouldn't be able to do that. But hey its just my first day. I waited for others to call her by her name but no luck yet. Then the roll call. I couldn't get the first time. Oh, it was too complicated for me. Four days it took me and that too in sections. I still have the name written at the back of my Chemistry notebook, in parts. The first two letters from the second day roll call and the rest from the other days. The next thing I remember is she was on my list.
My exhilaration was at its peak and there wasn't a single friend who didn't know about it. They mocked me saying I wouldn't be able to make it up to her since I'm not good with making new friends and they were right. New people annoy me easily. Sometimes it becomes hard for me to figure out who's worth talking to and who's not. Someone who is likely to be a dull and boring person gradually turns up to be a way great deal of your interest, whereas someone you're suddenly fond of in first impression turns up against your expectations of what a perfect someone should be like, and until you realize the truth, you're too late. Worse, if you are already bad at socializing. 
I did have a hard time making friends here at MAPS, figuring who's worth talking and who's not. One of my wonderful virtues, patience had a colossal role to play in it. I'm blessed that by fortunes in a high degree.
By the end of the first month I had almost half the class in my friend list. Though I wasn't very interested in approaching them in person rather than adding them on Facebook and waiting for someone to start a conversation. In fact, if anything, neither did I show any interest in starting a conversation in school. I was too self-occupied to start one myself. And a little lost too, it was a new place for me. But whatever it maybe I was still always curious to know who they were in case I got any new request. Barely any stranger could fit in the conversation so usually there's no way in for them.
My encounter with the Miss Gorgeous happened the day when I first found her Facebook profile.

"Can I have the pleasure to be on your list, lady?"

Oh! I recall how triumphant I was of my Gentleman like tone for a girl for the first time. Added there was a slight shade of shame too, for I had let myself kneel in front of someone by compromising my dignity. Again. A slightly formal this time. I wouldn't ever bother doing that to any other girl. But hey! She's a crush.
The very next day I was on her list. Sadly she hasn't replied  to my message yet. She was online though. For once I gathered up all my courage to start up the conversation and we talked for quite a while. I think it went fair enough. At least I didn't  screw things up this time, I kept mumbling in my brain.
The other day, the next, it was now the fourth day we were having a chat conversation and the very first thing she happened to notice about me was my language. I was spell-bound.

"Your English is nice"

I had the slightest clue that it was time for me to switch to our National language while I chat as to me, she didn't look impressed at all. I was sure it could no more nothing less mean criticism when she spoke of my language.

"Oh please, don't you dare make fun of me"

"It was a compliment, weirdo. Even your pronunciation while mam made you read aloud in the English period."

OK, now that's pretty disturbing. I just had someone speaking of my English being nice. I had a hard time pouring the fact down my throat. I had never walked past anyone complementing about my English before. Not until that day.
Broken legs and twitched knee is what my sense in English. Even my late grandmother could have judged with her specs off that I could barely spell any better than a second grade school drop-out. In fact, a dying lamb is what my dictation sounds like, a friend of mine once told me and I didn't have a hard time believing. Now here's this girl on the other side sitting, speaking of my English and my ascent. Needles to say she was my crush.
Was I daydreaming? Probably.

"Enough about me." 
I quickly changed the topic.

To this day I realize, maybe yes, she somewhat meant it. And how I wish I could thank her for the appreciation. 
The new school gave me a lot of confidence. I may not still deserve such standard compliments, but I'm bold enough to face them and strive to improve myself more and more. After passing out of MAPS, at least I've a feeling that my pronunciation is little better than a dying lamb! And I believe, with a little struggle, I can somehow write a grammatically correct sentence too. Special thanks to my English teacher(s).
Anyways, so we chatted at a regular interval and were pretty much good friends already and then here comes the day. 

"Do you mind if I ask you something.. Who's that you've mentioned about in that post?"

I'm still smiling as I write this. I've been intentionally posting stuff about love, the whole time. She happened to notice one of my posts and was here with the question. Just exactly how I pictured it go. I couldn't stop myself from smiling at that moment. A part of my mind was also inclined towards the past tragedy. I couldn't repeat all those stupid, silly mistakes I once did without the slightest of idea.

"Sorry, it's a secret"

"C'mon, we are friends, aren't we? Tell me who's she?"

What are you supposed to reply your crush when they actually ask you about your crush?
I handled the situation with great precision.

"I'm not comfortable discussing that with you"

Much to my relief, she was convinced. But the question was, until when?
She inquired the same again the next day. I explained her briefly about my past insanity and told her about my belief regarding love being ruthless and that my posts were simply for fun and wasn't actually meant for anyone. I was suddenly getting pangs of my instinct. There was a brutal rush of dignified individuality pouring into, overflowing through every bit of me. I was hallucinating, finding myself amidst all the chances I had with her and battling them out of my life. That instance the answers to my entire survival was revolving around not letting her know about my feelings. It was one of those times when I went through a sort of the acute phase of seriousness.
She, gathering all her patience, listened to me. Listened to me till I had no more of it left. 

"I understand what it feels like to being rejected. Don't be hard on yourself for one bad experience"

She left on a sharp note.
I was stunned. I was totally clueless of the consequences of what was just said. I sat motionless, staring at the computer screen. In absolute definability I didn't know how to react. The statement had clearly handicapped my thinking capability. The conversation for the day was certainly over, but her words kept echoing in my brain.
Curiosity lurked in a greed of reason and if by fortune of an unfortunate her cynicism provoked the trigger into hitting its mark accurately, regardless of the correctness of her opinion, what's more amusing was to wonder how come a person with little or no understanding about my life comes up with such a confident and profound reasoning.
I knew I wasn't hard on myself and this little lady's not-so-cool statement left a confused signature.
Days passed and so increased the number of eye contacts at school followed by an awkward silence. Out of annoyance I'd occasionally mumble myself that it was me who could stare at her for as long as I want she wasn't supposed to stare back and make me feel awkward. Though this sweet complaint was kept to myself forever.
By the time I realized that I was loosing the grip of myself, it had been a month. She popped up in my mind every now and then and there was this tiny dose of warmth rush in me whenever she came online. On a serious note it wasn't supposed to go this way. There was a cliche a sense of disapproval somewhere around the corner of my heart. Everything was perfect yet nothing seemed right. It took me a while to figure out that it was against the standards I had set for myself. All my attention was concentrated towards one single person, I was becoming a puppet of someone else's presence. The moment this thought struck my mind, I initiated a slighter check on myself, on every word I say, on every thought I think and for every reply I type, hoping things would find its way back like pressing the backspace key on a keyboard.
Things didn't work out how it was supposed to. You know its like when you want something but there's a voice inside you telling you shouldn't have it so you just silently convince yourself that you don't need it. You try pulling together every possible excuses bringing out all possible faults in the process of convincing yourself that you're actually getting over it, but in the end it matters not because you're pushing yourself too deep. You're involved in too much that you're not ready to give up, not give up until you're served with an appropriate reason, but until then you push yourself deeper and deeper in a silent battle between you and your own self, giving you severe mood swings. 
Something in me mocked me saying 'I was in love' the other part, not much pleased with the remark, 'No, that's impossible', 'You can't be in love', 'You aren't meant to be'.
The human mind has a primitive ego defense mechanism that negates all realities that produce too much stress to the brain to handle. It's called denial. And I've already had this terrible itch for over-thinking.  I was torn between my own inner voices conflicting with my emotions. 
I longed for peace. The brainstorming, I was having that day didn't please me. With millions of thought running down my mind with the fury of a wildfire consuming a parched hay field, love is a terrible thing I wondered.
Somewhere in between, this dilemma, amidst all this confusion the answers to my prayer came knocking at my Facebook profile.

"Who's this?"

"Richa, I'm in section - B :)" 

An ordinary girl, one among the dozen others from my class. Interestingly, she was the same girl who had just grabbed my attention a few days back for her use of 'daminet', instead of 'damned' and her poor 'Jupiter joke' on Shivam's post. Her profile gave the impression of a typical broken hearted maniac lover when I visited then, not luring enough for me to send a friend request. Though when I got her request now, there must have been something magical about her response that made me re-consider my decision of adding her. Who knew this daminet Jupiter girl was going to mean so much to me in future. It was one of the most beautiful decision of my life. I had a new friend that day. It was amazing how she and I came to be friends. She and me.
Just when I was longing for peace, battling with circumstances trying to understand people in this strange land, she popped up in my life. Seemed like a long drawn wish, slowly materializing into reality.
I loved the way that she always had this positive vibe around her at school, her ever smiling face, her charming innocence, her waving of hi's once we got acquainted. Her repeating of the same again and again if I don't happen to notice. It was everything about her that only made me want her more. It had been two months now and I was well aware of where my feelings were leading me to.
All these times I was friends with Miss Gorgeous too, with her favorite center of discussion still has been taking about 'crushes'. I vividly remember the part of our conversation when she was trying to make me realize what love really is.

Miss Gorgeous                                   30/10/2011 19:30
Why dnt u tell ur crush that u like her
usne tumhare pehle kisi or ko haa krdia to 

Muhammad Matin                              30/10/2011 19:33
Actually, isn't only that what I want? 

Miss Gorgeous                                   30/10/2011 19:34
hmm
u dnt get hurt by dat
???????? 

Muhammad Matin                              30/10/2011 19:34
I already said I've a strange point of view
My intuitions don't allow me to let anyone know about my feelings!
I don't have such a big heart for words like hurt 

Miss Gorgeous                                   30/10/2011 19:35
oo 

Muhammad Matin                               30/10/2011 19:35
why would, i just in case? 

Miss Gorgeous                                    30/10/2011 19:35
how can some1 nt get hurt 

Muhammad Matin                               30/10/2011 19:35
Idk.. I haven't yet experienced.. 

Miss Gorgeous                                    30/10/2011 19:35
ok
d day u'll find love u'll come 2 knw
or even a serious lyking 

Muhammad Matin                               30/10/2011 19:36
that day is never coming 

Miss Gorgeous                                    30/10/2011 19:36
It'll surely come, dear...
sab bolte the
n sabke saath hua 

Muhammad Matin                                30/10/2011 19:37
No, it won't... I would never let that happen 

Miss Gorgeous                                     30/10/2011 19:37
u dnt let dat happen
it happen unknowingly
n wen happens
nthin can b more beautiful den dis 

Muhammad Matin                                 30/10/2011 19:37
Like I don't wanna be the reason for other's disgracful status 
when I break their heart! 
I've seen worse.
ah yes! must be..
but
I've have had enough experience about other's plight 

Miss Gorgeous                                      30/10/2011 19:39
hmm
sab ke apne apne experience hote h
different hote h 

Muhammad Matin                                 30/10/2011 19:39
you don't find a real happy relationship 

Miss Gorgeous                                       30/10/2011 19:39
no it happens 

Muhammad Matin                                  30/10/2011 19:40
You mean movies? :) 

Miss Gorgeous                                       30/10/2011 19:41
i knw
bt cute relations r also dere 

Muhammad Matin                                   30/10/2011 19:41
ok what are your criteria to decide if a person is in love?
must be.. I can't handle one 

Miss Gorgeous                                         30/10/2011 19:42
kk
u care a lot 4 dat person
uski habits aur way bht achche lagte h
i mean cute 

Muhammad Matin                                    30/10/2011 19:42
GROSS. 

Miss Gorgeous                                         30/10/2011 19:43
Sht up n listn
u just luk at dem n keep on 

Muhammad Matin                                     30/10/2011 19:43
Souns pretty cool
Nething else left? 

Miss Gorgeous                                          30/10/2011 19:43
seems 2 b most charming person in dis world
u r ready 2 do anything 4 dat person
just want dat person as he/she is 

Muhammad Matin                                      30/10/2011 19:44
ah! Just realised i'm in love with Miley

Miss Gorgeous                                           30/10/2011 19:44
:|
ooooooooooo
jokes apart
bt try its true
n listen 2 a love song
n think of a girl
d first girl dat strikes in ur mind is d 1 u lyk alot 

Muhammad Matin                                      30/10/2011 19:45
waise to 10-15 yad a hi jate hai 

Miss Gorgeous                                           30/10/2011 19:46
arre
try
it works! 

I don't know if I found my calling by concentrating and trying to think of one single person as she suggested, but gradually everything became much more clearer to me. I knew what I had to follow. My crush list shortened. Miss gorgeous, a good friend was more of a mentor now. The person behind my love updates had changed from Miss Gorgeous to the Daminet Jupiter Girl. This was definitely a gradual process and since I'm pretty bad at expressing myself, I have absolutely no idea how it happened. 
These short diary entries form those days might help you get a slight gist. Keeping in mind someone's level of comfortableness, these contents have been kept discreet with limited access to my close friends only. 

Speaking to Myself

I Thought I was Stronger

Is this the Real Change?

Emotional Combat

Mind Versus the Heart

Random Thoughts

Those Glittering Eyes

Sweet Thing

Battling Emotions

When Sanity Sinks

Oh Wretches

The Morning After the Day

PROLOGUE

Never in a million years did I think I'd find someone so utterly and completely perfect, someone who would make me happier than I ever dreamed I could be, someone that would touch my life so profoundly and just give me a whole new reason to breathe. But then I found her and realized that everything I anticipated her to be, doesn't even compare to what she was. 
I'd thought I'd loved before. But, with her these feelings were different. For the first in my life, ignorance no longer felt like a moral high ground.
At the same time I was just so scared, I was afraid that once she realizes how amazing she really is, she would ditch me straightaway. That she would realize what all other guys have all the time, that she could be a lot happier with them. The thought itself was terrifying.
A nervous heart beating in my chest, sleepless nights pondering the possibilities and pouring my heart out on a blog. Its utterly laughable, isn't it? So cliche.
There are millions of people out there, but in the end it all comes down to one. 
I could only sit here and imagine what happens next.

P.S - The prologue isn't written by me. I just added it here because it's beautiful.